A coworker is going to be out for knee surgery, and said he’d be back on Monday. Our secretary insists he wants to be back on Friday. No he doesn’t. He doesn’t even want to be here Monday-Thursday. Or weekends. He comes in because he has to, just like the rest of us. But you can skip all that if you just take my advice and win the lottery.

Lottery winners get craploads of money, and it only costs a dollar. So it’s totally worth it. You just gotta make sure you get the right ticket. Trust me, it’s easier than it sounds. Some tips…

Don’t pick a previous winning number. Have you ever heard of the same number winning twice, in any lottery? Me neither. You can get the winning numbers off the internet – for free! This cuts out thousands of useless numbers. If you don’t do this, you’re just wasting money.

Bribe the 7-11 guy. Obviously, this guy’s already won, or else he wouldn’t have a 7-11. Don’t tell me you come fresh off the boat and say, “I need a 7-11”, and they just give you one. Those things are freakin’ expensive. You gotta win the lottery first. So a lot of foreigners know how to pick the right numbers. But don’t ask a foreigner who’s selling oranges, or writing software, ’cause they haven’t figured it out yet (oranges and computers are cheap, compared to 7-11s). Also, don’t think they had money when they came here, ’cause if you had mad fat stacks of cash – 7-11 money – you’d be big pimpin’ back in your third world hood, with all sorts of fly honeys. Not running a 7-11 in the States, that’s for sure.

Get a job cleaning the lotto machine. Those machines work by blowing ping-pong balls around, and grabbing the winning balls from the top. Just tell them you need to wash the balls, and then inject the non-winning numbers with something to weigh them down, like heroin. You probably already have that in your needle, anyway. And you can always get more heroin, ’cause you’re gonna win the lottery. In fact, you might even win a few lotteries in a row, before everyone catches on. If you do this, ignore the rule about not picking previous winning numbers.

There are other ways, but they might be illegal, so I won’t talk about them here. Remember, rich people make their own luck. But that’s another topic for another time.