Poison Penn Letter

Sean Penn, who was thoroughly skewered in Team America (along with a lot of other actors), wrote an angry letter to Matt and Trey. However, it wasn’t about his portrayal in the movie.
     Apparently, he takes issue with Matt and Trey taking issue with “Sean” Piddy Comb’s “Vote or Die” campaign. They think if you’re not informed, there’s no shame in not voting.

What’s wrong with that?

Hell, in my younger, more arrogant days (Yes, even more arrogant than now. Perhaps way more.), I was all for a meritocratic democracy. In other words, a sign at the voting booth would say “You must be this intelligent to vote.” It’d weed out those too dumb to make a smart choice.
     So I’ve backed off on that a bit. Frankly, there’s more than enough info to make an informed decision, even if you’re an idiot. Just think of what’s important to you, and go to one of the 3 bajillion web sites that talk about how the candidates feel about it. For me, it’s pretty easy. I care about my career. My career is currently in the Aerospace and Defense industries. Is it not obvious to even the most casual of observers who will spend more money in that area? It isn’t? Oh. Well, Kerry wants to shut down missile defense, and Bush wants to put a man on the moon. (And if that doesn’t explain it, please pay heed to the sign.) My other hope is to quit work and start a small business, and Bush looks to be the right guy for that, too. Everyone seems to be asking Kerry what he’ll do for small businesses, while leaving Bush alone on that one (his plan is to cut welfare and social security to give small businesses a 3% tax break – hurray!). I’ll take that as a sign.
     If you’re gay, and you want to get married (which I think you should have every right to do), you don’t want the guy who wants to amend the Constitution (?!?) to stop you. Heck, I don’t really want him either, but my choices are limited.

Team America: Puppet Police

The genre where Roger Ebert and I have our rare disagreements is what I call “pure comedy”. These are movies designed to make you laugh the whole way through, plot and character development be damned. I love a well crafted film as much as the next guy, but if I’m laughing hysterically throughout the whole film, that’s good enough. For him, not so much.
     Team America falls into that category. It’s being billed as an equal opportunity offender, and that’s about right. It attacks the whiney liberal actors and the at-all-costs right wingers with equal aplomb. As well as formula action movies. It’s pretty hilarious throughout.
     The whole thing is done with puppets, inspired by the series The Thunderbirds, and some of the humor is from puppets trying to show drama (or walking, or having sex). They thought it would be a great way to make fun of formula action flicks, especially 80’s Bruckheimer films. Actually, their original plan was to do an all-puppet version of The Day After Tomorrow, which they thought was already very funny. Without the “benefit” of having seen that film, I think this was probably the right way to go.

Diamonds Are Foridiots

So, if you didn’t already know, The DeBeers Company pretty much controls both supply and demand of diamonds to artificially inflate prices. And, they have nothing to do with beer. An article from The Straight Dope clears things up. Also, the next big threat is artificial diamonds, which are pretty much indistinguishable from the real thing, except they’re a little too perfect. Wired has a big article about that.
     So, if you’re trying to get out of spending a fortune for a diamond ring, you have a lot of evidence that supporting the diamond industry is akin to supporting African poverty and blood feuds. And if that fails, you should soon be able to by a cheap, flawless diamond. Spend the rest on something the whole family can use, like gambling.

Calling Dr. Cosby

Bill Cosby made a speech for the 50th anniversary of Brown vs. The Board of Education (Brown won). It was focused on the 50% dropout rate for inner city black males. Somehow, the media got a hold of it and tried to portray it as classist, which is just ridiculous. The speech itself is inspirational, funny in parts, and makes a ton of sense. There’s a lot about personal responsibility. You can find a transcript of it here.

Take My Advice: Win The Lottery

A coworker is going to be out for knee surgery, and said he’d be back on Monday. Our secretary insists he wants to be back on Friday. No he doesn’t. He doesn’t even want to be here Monday-Thursday. Or weekends. He comes in because he has to, just like the rest of us. But you can skip all that if you just take my advice and win the lottery.

Lottery winners get craploads of money, and it only costs a dollar. So it’s totally worth it. You just gotta make sure you get the right ticket. Trust me, it’s easier than it sounds. Some tips…

Don’t pick a previous winning number. Have you ever heard of the same number winning twice, in any lottery? Me neither. You can get the winning numbers off the internet – for free! This cuts out thousands of useless numbers. If you don’t do this, you’re just wasting money.

Bribe the 7-11 guy. Obviously, this guy’s already won, or else he wouldn’t have a 7-11. Don’t tell me you come fresh off the boat and say, “I need a 7-11”, and they just give you one. Those things are freakin’ expensive. You gotta win the lottery first. So a lot of foreigners know how to pick the right numbers. But don’t ask a foreigner who’s selling oranges, or writing software, ’cause they haven’t figured it out yet (oranges and computers are cheap, compared to 7-11s). Also, don’t think they had money when they came here, ’cause if you had mad fat stacks of cash – 7-11 money – you’d be big pimpin’ back in your third world hood, with all sorts of fly honeys. Not running a 7-11 in the States, that’s for sure.

Get a job cleaning the lotto machine. Those machines work by blowing ping-pong balls around, and grabbing the winning balls from the top. Just tell them you need to wash the balls, and then inject the non-winning numbers with something to weigh them down, like heroin. You probably already have that in your needle, anyway. And you can always get more heroin, ’cause you’re gonna win the lottery. In fact, you might even win a few lotteries in a row, before everyone catches on. If you do this, ignore the rule about not picking previous winning numbers.

There are other ways, but they might be illegal, so I won’t talk about them here. Remember, rich people make their own luck. But that’s another topic for another time.

Strongbadassmofo

So when I tell you about the awesomeness that is the Strongbad email, you should be saying, “duh”. ‘Cause you knew about it like only a million years ago. Pfffffft. But if you’re not saying that, you have a crapload of hilarious web pages to go through. And also, you’re not as cool as me (but you knew that). So get crackin’! Also, there are a lot of easter eggs, especially at the end of the episodes, so you end up waving your mouse cursor all over the damn screen like you’ve got Parkinson’s, searching for a cool extra tidbit. And it’s worth it.

Apologies to those with Parkinson’s. Peace.

Directing 101

I was just watching the “making of” featurette of The Girl Next Door. The producer (I think) said “the studio” thought Elisha Cuthbert was good enough to play a girl next door, but might not be sexy enough to be portray a porn star.

Genius.

You get a girl as hot as Elisha, and make her convince you she can play sexy. This was a great bargaining tactic, as she said on the commentary she didn’t want to do full-nude like “the studio” wanted. So they tell her, “actually, we’re not even sure you’re sexy enough the play the part.”

Brilliant.

So still no full-nude, but way closer, and a fantastic performance that made me think, “Wow, it looks like she’s actually had sex before.” For those never blessed by her visage, I got some great wallpaper here. Ah, what the heck, this blog could use some eye candy…

Roly Poly Fish Heads

As a seafood lover, I try to stay abreast of which species are deadly killers. An Eco Defense website has a nice chart telling you which ones are safe to eat (including catfish, clams, crabs, scallops, wild salmon) and which are slowly poisoning you (orange roughy, shark, swordfish, farmed salmon). There are several others on the list, and it also gives info on which are being over-fished, and how much of the deadly ones you can eat, based on gender and age (yours, not the fish’s). Pay attention to locations on the chart and at the supermarket; for example, most Alaskan fish is ok, but if caught from different areas or farmed, it may contain unsafe levels of mercury or other toxins.

The People In Your Neighborhood

Apparently a fellow Westminster resident and waitress was displeased with a couple customers hitting on her. Allegedly, she followed the standard protocol in the restaurant industry, which is to call your thug boyfriend and have the customers killed. This took place in the Hawaii Cafe in Garden Grove, now closed for “remodeling”.

Articles:
http://msnbc.msn.com/id/6028638/
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-cafe17sep17,1,7921713.story?coll=la-headlines-california

The most famous covert organization in the world.