3 Things I’ve learned about my wiener this year.

I’ve received an automated notification that if I don’t contribute to the blog soon, I risk losing my rank as “commander”. I sure as hell don’t want to be demoted to a measly “admiral”.
Truth is I didn’t think I had anything relevant or topical to add lately, but that is unfair to the crackteam organization. There’s always something relevant if you think hard enough!

THREE THINGS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT MY WIENER THIS YEAR.

number1
No matter how sure you are you didn’t get any on your hands, never “handle yourself” after using Ben-Gay.
While not completely uninteresting, the cooling sensation will last for hours. It can be especially uncomfortable in the winter.

number2
No matter how careful you think you are, never use your crotch to secure your drilling site.
Sounds like an obvious one, yet there I was holding vinyl shutters on top of my legs while sitting on my front steps. I drilled about 20 holes before it happened.
As soon as I broke through, the drill bit drove into my pants and twisted up everything on it’s way down. While not breaking skin, I still had to reverse the drill to release the tool from my tool all while trying to maintain the look of “nothing to see here. I know what I’m doing” because the only thing worse than drilling through your crotch is looking like a fool to the neighborhood.
Moving on…

Number3
Sometimes it’s best to sit when you pee.
Follow with me here. It’s a complicated one.
I was trying to remove some stickers from a control panel. They are stuck on using a permanent sticky glue. It’s worse than sap when it gets on your hands. It’s meant to stick to anything and I had gotten some of it on my fingers.
Later I had to pee, so there I was standing over the toilet after I was done with the stickers. I pulled my johnson out long enough to make sure the aim was correct, then tried to let go. I TRIED to let go. But I wasn’t letting go. The glue was forcing me to maintain hold of… myself and I ended up spraying all over the walls of the “executive” bathroom while trying to shake myself free. So a 30 second wizz turned into a 15 minute scrub down.

Well that’s it for now. I’ll be sure to get back to you next year when I learn all kinds of great new things about my wiener.

Public Service Announcements

Ladies: If you are a woman over 30, and you want to dye your hair red, it is time to switch to shades that are actually known to sprout forth from human scalps. If you are considering colors found on fire engines and lipstick worn by street walkers, keep looking. Or perhaps you’re thinking that the guy who sings for Maroon 5 is hot, and he’d really go for you if you dyed your hair maroon. He will not. I don’t know what magazine is telling you that maroon or any weird shade of dark red found on mid-size family sedans is going to make you look good, but it’s wrong. And your kids are embarrassed, and your husband doesn’t like it, even though he says he does. He just doesn’t want you to get depressed and gain [any more] weight.

The solution is simple. Just go to Vidal Sassoon and ask them to pick any shade of red ever found on Nicole Kidman, Amy Adams, Isla Fisher, Laura Prepon, Alyson Hannigan, or even Lindsay Lohan. I know, you don’t like Lindsay, but I bet she’d have a much easier time getting that Maroon 5 dude, and it’s not because she’s famous and young, it’s because… wait, no, that’s it. And also because she is, at the moment, a lesbian.

Note that if you are under 30, and cute, and listen to cool music, you should dye your hair some unnatural shade of red, or purple, or perhaps hot pink. I will love you for this.

Men: If you are on your crotch rocket, and your lady is on the bitch seat, perhaps now is not the time to split lanes at red lights. You are too concerned she’s going to fall off if you accelerate too fast (which is probably a valid concern), so you accelerate slowly. But the the unspoken rule of red light motorcycle lane splitting is that you gun it as soon as the light changes so that I, in my little WRX, have no chance of hitting you when I gun it. I should not be scaring the bejesus out of you when I floor it, and I find that lately I am doing just that. So stop splitting lanes.

I know you’re not going to boot your lady and drive like a man because my second bitch seat observation (and I’ve seen this multiple times now) is that when she’s all hunched over, her jeans ride down real low, like 3 inches of ass crack low. Which means she considers the bitch seat a panties-optional environment. So… bravo, man. Bravo. And thank your lady for me.

The 2008 Anand – Kramnik Times for Game 11

This article lists the times taken by Anand and Kramnik for the moves of the 11th and final game of their 2008 World Chess Championship Match in Bonn.  Anand needed a draw to win the match; he got it today.

Game 11, October 29th, 2008

    Anand          Kramnik
    White          Black
 1. e4    (1:59)   c5   (1:58)
 2. Nf3   (1:59)   d6   (1:58)
 3. d4    (1:59)   cxd4 (1:58)
 4. Nxd4  (1:59)   Nf6  (1:58)
 5. Nc3   (1:59)   a6   (1:57)
 6. Bg5   (1:58)   e6   (1:57)
 7. f4    (1:58)   Qc7  (1:56)
 8. Bxf6  (1:56)   gxf6 (1:56)
 9. f5    (1:56)   Qc5  (1:51d)
10. Qd3   (1:42)   Nc6  (1:49)
11. Nb3   (1:38)   Qe5  (1:47d)
12. O-O-O (1:34)   exf5 (1:36d)
13. Qe3   (1:17)   Bg7  (1:11d)

Continue reading The 2008 Anand – Kramnik Times for Game 11

The 1972 Fischer – Spassky Times for Game 21

This article lists the times taken for the moves of the 21st and final game of the World Chess Championship Match between Boris Spassky and Bobby Fischer.  Fischer won this game to go 4 games ahead with only three to play.

For more games of the match, see the 1972 Fischer – Spassky Times Home Page

Game 21, August 31st-September 1st, 1972

    Spassky         Fischer
    White           Black
                    (ar)  (0:03)
 1. e4     (0:00)   c5    (0:04)
 2. Nf3    (0:01)   e6    (0:04)
 3. d4     (0:02)   cxd4  (0:04)
 4. Nxd4   (0:02)   a6    (0:04)
 5. Nc3    (0:04)   Nc6   (0:05)
 6. Be3    (0:05)   Nf6   (0:10)
 7. Bd3    (0:15)   d5    (0:14)
 8. exd5   (0:29)   exd5  (0:16)
 9. 0-0    (0:39)   Bd6   (0:19)
10. Nxc6   (0:53)   bxc6  (0:20)

Continue reading The 1972 Fischer – Spassky Times for Game 21

The 1972 Fischer – Spassky Times for Game 6

This article lists the times taken by Bobby Fischer and Boris Spassky in the 6th game of their 1972 World Chess Championship Match in Reykjavik, Iceland.

Click here for info on other games of this match.

Game 6, July 23rd, 1972

    Fischer        Spassky
    White          Black
 1. c4    (0:08)   e6    (0:02)
 2. Nf3   (0:11)   d5    (0:03)
 3. d4    (0:11)   Nf6   (0:03)
 4. Nc3   (0:11)   Be7   (0:03)
 5. Bg5   (0:11)   0-0   (0:04)
 6. e3    (0:12)   h6    (0:04)
 7. Bh4   (0:13)   b6    (0:08)
 8. cxd5  (0:13)   Nxd5  (0:08)
 9. Bxe7  (0:14)   Qxe7  (0:08)
10. Nxd5  (0:14)   exd5  (0:08)
11. Rc1   (0:14)   Be6   (0:09)
12. Qa4   (0:14)   c5    (0:12)
13. Qa3   (0:14)   Rc8   (0:16)
14. Bb5   (0:15)   a6    (0:19)
15. dxc5  (0:19)   bxc5  (0:23)
16. 0-0   (0:20)   Ra7   (0:36)

Continue reading The 1972 Fischer – Spassky Times for Game 6

The 2008 Anand – Kramnik Times for Game 10

This article lists the times taken by Anand and Kramnik for their moves in the 10th game of their 2008 World Chess Championship Match in Bonn.

Kramnik keeps it alive with his first win.

Game 10, October 27th, 2008

    Kramnik        Anand
    White          Black
 1. d4    (1:58)   Nf6   (1:59)
 2. c4    (1:58)   e6    (1:59)
 3. Nc3   (1:58)   Bb4   (1:59)
 4. Nf3   (1:57)   c5    (1:58)
 5. g3    (1:57)   cxd4  (1:58)
 6. Nxd4  (1:56)   O-O   (1:58)
 7. Bg2   (1:56)   d5    (1:58)
 8. cxd5  (1:56)   Nxd5  (1:57)
 9. Qb3   (1:56d)  Qa5   (1:55)
10. Bd2   (1:54)   Nc6   (1:54)
11. Nxc6  (1:54)   bxc6  (1:54)
12. O-O   (1:54)   Bxc3  (1:54)
13. bxc3  (1:54)   Ba6   (1:54)
14. Rfd1  (1:53)   Qc5   (1:53)
15. e4    (1:53)   Bc4   (1:53)
16. Qa4   (1:52)   Nb6   (1:53)
17. Qb4   (1:52)   Qh5   (1:53)
18. Re1   (1:52d)  c5    (1:38)
19. Qa5   (1:51)   Rfc8  (1:34)
20. Be3   (1:51d)  Be2   (1:20)

Continue reading The 2008 Anand – Kramnik Times for Game 10

Single Guy Chef: Barbecue Tri-tip Roast

Since there was a request for the BBQ version of the tri-tip oven roast, here it is. (It might help you to read that recipe first.)

First, prepare the BBQ rub. I like this Carolina BBQ rub that I originally made for pulled pork. I found it works well on beef, too. The only change I made was using pure ancho chile powder instead of your garden variety chili powder. This was suggested by a couple chefs and I think it turned out well, but if you already have the regular stuff then use it. You are nothing if not practical. And lazy.

Trim the roast, and then sprinkle on the rub liberally and rub it in. Let it marry in the fridge overnight. Don’t worry, this is an acceptable union under the current law; it’s not like a man marrying a box turtle. Take the roast out half an hour before grilling so it comes to room temp.

For cooking times, follow the recommendations in your manual, esp. if it’s a Weber. My Weber manual was quite accurate, definitely more than the one for my Viking range. Like all roasts, it will be medium indirect, and it will benefit from smoke. Try mesquite. Avoid tobacco. And don’t flip it while grilling.

One problem I had while taking its temperature is that heat from the grill messed with my digital thermometer. I had to remove it from the grill while checking the temp. Of course, use a meat thermometer, not an oral or rectal one. In fact, if using either of those is even possible, your butcher has executed an elaborate ruse at your expense. Always remember: a tri-tip roast has neither a mouth nor an anus. Words to live by.

The 2008 Anand – Kramnik Times for Game 9

This article lists the times taken by the players in Game 9  of the 2008 World Chess Championship Match between Anand and Kramnik in Bonn.

Game 9, October 26th, 2008

    Anand          Kramnik
    White          Black
 1. d4    (1:59)   d5    (1:59)
 2. c4    (1:59)   e6    (1:59)
 3. Nf3   (1:59)   Nf6   (1:59)
 4. Nc3   (1:58)   c6    (1:59)
 5. Bg5   (1:58)   h6    (1:59)
 6. Bh4   (1:58)   dxc4  (1:58)
 7. e4    (1:58)   g5    (1:58)
 8. Bg3   (1:58)   b5    (1:58)
 9. Be2   (1:58)   Bb7   (1:58)
10. Qc2   (1:57)   Nbd7  (1:57)
11. Rd1   (1:57)   Bb4   (1:47d)
12. Ne5   (1:49)   Qe7   (1:43d)
13. O-O   (1:40)   Nxe5  (1:35)

Continue reading The 2008 Anand – Kramnik Times for Game 9

Single Guy Chef: Tri-tip Burritos

I saw that tri-tip is about $2/lb. so I thought I’d try my hand at that. Turns out it’s very easy. I’d made it on the grill before and the oven is about the same, minus the good smokey flavor and slightly easier cleanup.

First, get a 3-4 lb. tri-tip roast. Remove the fat. If you’re lazy or short on time you can buy pre-trimmed roasts, but at double the price. $4 a pound??? We’re not Trump here. Once again, the fat removed was about the size of my fist.

Next, preheat the oven to 325. My oven has Bake and Convection Bake settings, but you preheat a lot faster if you start with Bake.

While the oven is preheating you season the meat, which is ridiculously easy. Get yourself some Old World Steak seasoning, which is made by Fire Roasted Creations. OK, it’s not always easy to find. I got mine at Barbeques Galore and you can order it online here. Yes, it’s definitely worth the effort of tracking it down. If you absolutely don’t have time to obtain it, you can substitute McCormick’s Montreal Steak seasoning. It’s more peppery and the flavor is less complex, but it will do in a pinch. Just sprinkle it over the meat, then tap it in with the back of the tongs or a metal spoon. Flip it and repeat. Do this about 10 minutes before baking.

Place the roast on that broiler pan that came with your oven. It might be in that drawer underneath that you never knew existed. You can use a roasting pan, but only if you’re NOT convection baking. Convection baking, which cooks food faster and seals in juices better, requires a very shallow pan so the air can circulate better.

Since this is a roast, you’re shooting for medium, or 145F. Since roasts continue to cook after you’ve removed the heat, you stop when your meat thermometer reads about 140F. To obtain this ideal temperature, put the roast in the oven and set the timer to some random number. I say this because my Viking manual says a 3-4 lb. roast should be done in 30 minutes on convection bake or 35 minutes on bake, and that wasn’t even close. After 30 minutes it read 121F, or mooooo. Another 10 minutes brought it to 131, and another 15 after that brought it to 150. This is at the thickest part of the roast, so it was between medium and medium well, which is a little more done than I’d like it, but good enough.

OK, so the timer should be set for 40 minutes if convection baking and 50 for normal baking, assuming you’re using my oven.

When the desired temperature is reached let the roast sit for 20 minutes. Again, the temperature continues to rise 5-10 degrees while the juices move from the center outward, resulting in more uniformly juicy slices. Slice it thin.

Since meat alone isn’t very filling, I made simple burritos with Spanish rice. All you need to pick up is a box of Zatarains Spanish Rice mix, a 14.5oz can of crushed tomatoes, and some “I Can’t Believe This Shit Ain’t Butter!” or any butter-like substance that isn’t found in your bathroom. Follow the directions on the box – it’s dead simple.

Pick up a pack of Guerrero-brand burrito tortillas or whatever your local tortilleria sells. Before filling, preheat a large skillet to medium, then heat one side for 15 seconds and the other for 10. Fill with the rice and meat and roll like the Mexican ladies at Chipotle. If the meat is on the dry side (or even if it isn’t), you can add sour cream and/or shredded cheese.

Once again, you’ve got dinner for the week! Just remember that the tortillas have to be refrigerated, too.

The 2008 Anand – Kramnik Times for Game 8

This article lists the times taken for the moves of the 8th game of the 2008 World Chess Championship between Anand and Kramnik in Bonn, Germany.

Game 8, October 24th, 2008

    Kramnik        Anand
    White          Black
 1. d4    (1:59)   Nf6   (1:59)
 2. c4    (1:59)   e6    (1:59)
 3. Nf3   (1:59)   d5    (1:59)
 4. Nc3   (1:58)   dxc4  (1:59)
 5. e4    (1:58)   Bb4   (1:59)
 6. Bg5   (1:57)   c5    (1:58)
 7. Bxc4  (1:57)   cxd4  (1:58)
 8. Nxd4  (1:56)   Qa5   (1:58)
 9. Bb5+  (1:54)   Bd7   (1:57)
10. Bxf6  (1:53)   Bxb5  (1:57)
11. Ndxb5 (1:44d)  gxf6  (1:56)
12. O-O   (1:39)   Nc6   (1:56)
13. a3    (1:27d)  Bxc3  (1:55)
14. Nxc3  (1:25d)  Rg8   (1:43d)

Continue reading The 2008 Anand – Kramnik Times for Game 8

The most famous covert organization in the world.