Category Archives: Humor

Humor, Internet, Rants

Fortune Cookies, Horoscopes, and Dating Profiles

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The trick with fortune cookies and horoscopes is that they are vague enough to shoehorn the specifics of your life to match them, whatever those specifics may be. It occurred to me that Internet dating profiles are the same way. She says she’s looking for someone who’s fun and has a great sense of humor and likes to travel. That pretty much narrows it down to “human”. Everyone thinks reasonably well of themselves, otherwise they’re not posting a public profile.

Even the part that lists specific requirements like age and height and body type are squinted at until they match the reader. She wants someone no older than 40, but she’s 38, so the 47 year old man thinks, “I’m good enough” (and if she has kids, he’s right). He wants someone of average or slender build and she thinks, “Why, that’s what I put on my profile!” Um, yeah, about that.

Dating profiles are sales brochures and daters are used car salesmen. Honesty is out the window because it would never get you anywhere. If I lived in a world where honesty was rewarded instead of punished, here is the profile I would write:
Continue reading Fortune Cookies, Horoscopes, and Dating Profiles →

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Humor, Television

Getting old at Best Buy

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I’m at Best Buy with my kids looking for a DVD for a show called “The PJ’s”. Does anyone remember this show?
I remember loving it, but not too many details because it wasn’t on for more than a few seasons.
So I ask the chick working in the DVD section, “Do you have a DVD for ‘The PJ’s’?”.
She answers with a glossy look.
“The PJ’s? On Fox? Couldn’t have been more than ten years ago???”
This is when my world comes crashing down around me as I realize that the 20-year-old standing in front of me would more easily remember her trip to the petting zoo when she was 10, than what was on prime time television a decade ago.
Dang it, “Let’s go to the computer and check inventory so at least you don’t think I’m crazy.” She types in PJ’s, but the closest thing that comes up is PJ Harvey. “No not that. Type in Eddie Murphy.”
Coming to America, Raw, Shrek no no no. What the *uck?
I leave Best Buy feeling like a crazy old fool.
At home I immediately searched the web. Yep, I’m not crazy. Ran for 40 episodes. Won Three Emmys. and…. no DVDs were produced for the series. Come again? Emmy award winning series and no DVDs are out?
Turns out there is some legal despute or some nonsense preventing a DVD release. Equally vague is the reason for a top rated series getting canceled. It ranges from Eddie Murphy clashes with Fox/WB to high production costs.
Either way I felt like returning to Best Buy with this information just to show them I’m not an idiot.
Bottom line: Have a 20-year-old train in the Nickelodeon and MTV section first, before giving her run of the entire TV DVD section. Thank god I wasn’t looking for a season of M*A*S*H. “oooh my grandpa told me about that show! Right this way, sir.”

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Everything Else, Humor

3 Things I’ve learned about my wiener this year.

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I’ve received an automated notification that if I don’t contribute to the blog soon, I risk losing my rank as “commander”. I sure as hell don’t want to be demoted to a measly “admiral”.
Truth is I didn’t think I had anything relevant or topical to add lately, but that is unfair to the crackteam organization. There’s always something relevant if you think hard enough!

THREE THINGS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT MY WIENER THIS YEAR.

number1
No matter how sure you are you didn’t get any on your hands, never “handle yourself” after using Ben-Gay.
While not completely uninteresting, the cooling sensation will last for hours. It can be especially uncomfortable in the winter.

number2
No matter how careful you think you are, never use your crotch to secure your drilling site.
Sounds like an obvious one, yet there I was holding vinyl shutters on top of my legs while sitting on my front steps. I drilled about 20 holes before it happened.
As soon as I broke through, the drill bit drove into my pants and twisted up everything on it’s way down. While not breaking skin, I still had to reverse the drill to release the tool from my tool all while trying to maintain the look of “nothing to see here. I know what I’m doing” because the only thing worse than drilling through your crotch is looking like a fool to the neighborhood.
Moving on…

Number3
Sometimes it’s best to sit when you pee.
Follow with me here. It’s a complicated one.
I was trying to remove some stickers from a control panel. They are stuck on using a permanent sticky glue. It’s worse than sap when it gets on your hands. It’s meant to stick to anything and I had gotten some of it on my fingers.
Later I had to pee, so there I was standing over the toilet after I was done with the stickers. I pulled my johnson out long enough to make sure the aim was correct, then tried to let go. I TRIED to let go. But I wasn’t letting go. The glue was forcing me to maintain hold of… myself and I ended up spraying all over the walls of the “executive” bathroom while trying to shake myself free. So a 30 second wizz turned into a 15 minute scrub down.

Well that’s it for now. I’ll be sure to get back to you next year when I learn all kinds of great new things about my wiener.

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Everything Else, Humor

What if? The Chess Comedy Club in Bonn

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Bonn, 2008.
The 12 game 2008 World Chess Championship match is between Viswanathan Anand of India, the titleholder, and challenger Vladimir Kramnik of Russia, a former World Champion, who beat Kasparov in a 16 game match 8 years ago.

After two draws at the start, Anand won game 3, and after another draw, won two in a row, and leads, 4 1/2 to 1 1/2. It was referred to as “a major tragedy in the making” by one of the German commentators.

Up to about 15 years ago, these matches were for 24 games. The shorter length makes it more difficult to catch up after losing a few early games. This is because of the high percentage of draws in chess at the grandmaster level.

Vladimir is sounding discouraged, talking about just winning one game, before considering his chances of winning the match.

Tragedy or comedy? That is the question.

The writers here at CrackTeam.org gave it some thought. The tasteless result is below.

Read at your own risk. You have hereby been warned.

      *      *      *

“Ladies and Gentlemen: at the Bonn Chess Comedy Club, from the USA, let’s welcome our guest comedian!”

“Hey, it’s great to be here. Thanks for the welcome. Wow! Thanks for the applause. Thank you.”

“Yeah! A great audience! Thank you, thank you!

“All right! Thank you. Thank you!”

“Hey! If you love me before I even open my mouth, how do I know it’s not just PHYSICAL?”

Th-boomp.

“Bonn’s a crazy town. I came in here, thinking that the big match was too SHORT. The way Kramnik feels right now, he’s thinking the match is too LONG!”

Continue reading What if? The Chess Comedy Club in Bonn →

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Film, Humor, Politics, Rants

The Wicked Witch, Hitler and War Criminals

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Quite a title for this article, but it really makes sense.  Trust me.

The Wicked Witch

I was listening to the soundtrack for the Broadway show “Wicked.”  It is based on the premise that the Wicked Witch of the West was really not evil, just a  misunderstood soul.   Wow.  They are taking one of the iconic evil figures from literature and giving her a second look, an alternate-universe history that makes her, well, nice1.   And that’s not right.

Taking this alarming trend to its pinnacle, could it be far behind for Hitler to make a comeback?? 

(NOTE: the following are satirical comments.  Do not mistake them for reality; they are just an artifice to make a point.  That is how satire works.) 

After all, Hitler was really nice to his dogs. And he did put all of the German people back to work on that really cool roadway, the Autobahn.  Did I mention that he created the Volkswagen?? That picture of Hitler and his gang of killers parading around on a convertible Wolkswagen has got to be the coolest, most disturbing image of the war. 2  So except for the 6 million people he killed, Hitler was a really nice guy.  Really. 

(NOTE: the satire has now ended.  Back to reality.)

Hitler’s Beetle

But we all know that the winners of a war write the history books, so they can adjust the facts to suit themselves.  There are many instances of Allied atrocities in WW2 that should have been tried as war crimes.  I am thinking of the conventional bombing of the German city of Dresden, or the firebombing of Japanese cities.  The latter killed a whole lot more people than the atomic bombings at Hiroshima and Nagasaki (better left for some other article).  But a lot of terrible things happen during a war; it’s just distasteful to try to justify them as being necessary for a greater good.  It’s so much more honest to say what is really inside: the enemy is inhuman and we’re  scared sh*tless; we need to kill as many of them as possible before the war ends.  Afterwards,  we have to go back to being human beings and play nice again.  Or whatever passes for “nice” between bellicose nations.

So back to the Wicked Witch of the West.  The play does a good job turning the Oz universe on its head.  As with many revisionist works, there are problems with it, since it changes a couple of  really key points that clash with the world that Frank L. Baum created.  Similar to those Star Wars prequels that cannot exist in the same universe as the original Star Wars movies.  But these are nits, and you can still enjoy the Wicked concept if you ignore them.  Just don’t expect me to change my worldview: The witch is still evil. (Don’t forget, she did try to kill Dorothy.  And her little dog, too.)

  1. What is next?? Darth Vader used to be a nice guy that made some  wrong choices?? [↩]
  2. Except for that other disturbing photo, showing thousands of his dead victims from the concentration camps. [↩]
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Humor, Politics, Rants, Technology

No Offshore Drilling; where’s my nuclear car??

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Time to set the record straight:  whatever, whichever politician said that gas prices are not coming down was right.  Offshore drilling is a good idea, but it will not bring gas prices down.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m all for drilling for oil in our own backyards.  When I first moved out to California, I was enchanted by all of those oil derricks pumping, pumping away in the beautiful hills of Huntington Beach, down along the beach paths and even on the beach dunes themselves.  It made California look like the golden El Dorado that I had always imagined: golden roads lined with cool-looking cars and all of the oil we needed right under our feet.  And yes, I was also expecting bikini-clad girls to pump my gas and sell me my milk from those roadside milk stands (I saw pictures of this put out by the Orange County Chamber of Commerce).  I’m sure the girls and the pumping action of the derricks was some sort of Freudian juxtaposition that made me drive out to California all the faster.

So why don’t I support the drilling now?? Because once the oil is out of the ground, it is immediately put out on the international market where China can bid on it, along with every other gas-thirsty country that is finally making its way out of the Third World.  We would be competing with them for our own gas.  And make no mistake about it: it’s our gas.  It is coming out on nationally-owned areas (offshore or the ANWR in Alaska)  and the oil companies are getting a low-risk, fantastic return on investment.  If that is the case, they can afford to lose a little bit of profit by selling that gas DOMESTICALLY, ONLY.  Does that sound socialistic, the first hints of nationalized gas production?? You bet your sweet light-crude that it does!!  But if you’re going to drill in my backyard, and I own the land and mineral rights, you have better pay me off by at least selling me the oil at a domestically-competitive price.

But I’m also realistic.  Using oil to power our cars is a technological dead-end.  With all of the Chinese, Indian, Polish, Russian, etc. etc.  economies finally coming out of the Dark Ages and increasing the number of privately owned cars, we are going to be running out of oil soon (peak oil production).   So where’s my nuclear-powered car??  If all of those Disney documentaries in the 1950’s promised plenty of energy in the future, how come I have to use my bicycle to go to the library and to the store??

The anwer of course is that we can’t trust the average person to drive a quarter of critical mass around in their engines, waiting for some terrorist to figure out that (4) times (1/4)  equals (1).  Boom.   And I can hardly imagine the bad traffic created when the radioactive cleanup team cleans up the pieces from your average 4 accidents per freeway per day. 

We need to use nuclear power to generate the electricity to provide the hydrogen to run the cars.  Simple enough, please give me my new-model 2010 hydrogen-fueled SUV.  In Earth-Friendly Green,  of course.  And feel free to stick as many oil-sucking straws in the California Offshore until then. 

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Humor

Your Title, Please

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So, my friend is running a half marathon for the American Stroke Association. I go to the donor form, which begins with the greatest list of titles I’ve ever seen:

I can’t tell you how hard it is not to choose Admiral or Bishop, but of course all agents of The Crack Team have the title Commander (abbreviated above as both Cdr. and CDR!). Still, I can think of a few they missed:
Continue reading Your Title, Please →

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BTW, Humor, Television

Dave Attell and Louis CK

Just a quick recommendation for two hilarious HBO comedy specials: Dave Attell: Captain Miserable and Louis CK – Shameless. Attell’s special just aired and will be in reruns for a while. Shameless came out almost a year ago, but I think it’s still available on HBO On Demand. If not, you can rent it on DVD.

I’m not sure I’d call this filthy comedy, but after watching them you’ll never look at whale semen or duck vaginas in the same light… On second thought, it’s filthy.

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