All posts by archangel

Humor, Television

And I Jizz In My Pants

I finally saw the last SNL and the highlight was the Lonely Island music video Jizz In My Pants. Not terribly safe for most corporate environments, but the funniest video since Dick In A Box. This one stars Andy Samberg and Lonely Island cohort Jorma Taccone, with cameos from Justin Timberlake, Molly Sims, and Jamie-Lynn Sigler. I guess she’s in NYC visiting Turtle.

Also worth checking out are these tips on talking to girls, offered by a 9 year old. They were startlingly accurate:

If you liked those, check out these other Lonely Island and SNL videos.

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Humor, Internet, Rants

Fortune Cookies, Horoscopes, and Dating Profiles

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The trick with fortune cookies and horoscopes is that they are vague enough to shoehorn the specifics of your life to match them, whatever those specifics may be. It occurred to me that Internet dating profiles are the same way. She says she’s looking for someone who’s fun and has a great sense of humor and likes to travel. That pretty much narrows it down to “human”. Everyone thinks reasonably well of themselves, otherwise they’re not posting a public profile.

Even the part that lists specific requirements like age and height and body type are squinted at until they match the reader. She wants someone no older than 40, but she’s 38, so the 47 year old man thinks, “I’m good enough” (and if she has kids, he’s right). He wants someone of average or slender build and she thinks, “Why, that’s what I put on my profile!” Um, yeah, about that.

Dating profiles are sales brochures and daters are used car salesmen. Honesty is out the window because it would never get you anywhere. If I lived in a world where honesty was rewarded instead of punished, here is the profile I would write:
Continue reading Fortune Cookies, Horoscopes, and Dating Profiles →

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Film

Forbidden Cinema

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What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries? -Chief Wiggum

When I was 9, I remember seeing the trailer for The World According to Garp, thinking it looked awesome.

I was a huge fan of Robin Williams due to Mork & Mindy, which was in its third season when the movie premiered. In addition to the fun and wacky antics the trailer showed, I was especially intrigued because it was rated R – apparently for something involving sex. I really wanted to see this movie. Of course, there was no way my parents would let me watch it.

Tonight, 26 years later, I finally watched it. I’m sure I had many opportunities to do so in between, but something kept me from it. I think I knew it couldn’t live up to the hype my 9 year old brain had generated. Even though I tried to lower my expectations, I was disappointed. It’s based on a John Irving novel that was a major best seller at the time, and after reading some comments by those who’ve seen/read both (including Ebert’s review), it lost a bit in the translation and didn’t add anything to make up for it. It’s less fun and sexy and more slow and tragic than I could have ever imagined from watching the trailer. Not bad, per se, but not something I’d recommend to anyone who hasn’t read the book.

Not long after being denied Garp, I was shooed out of the room during a bestial orgy scene in The Howling. I remember pouting like crazy. Of course, I was allowed to watch the rest of the film, including a scene where a werewolf, in human form, is shot in the forehead, then reaches into the bullet hole and pulls out some brain whilst spouting the line, “Let me give you a piece of my mind.” Violence? No problem.

Other sexually charged films I was desperately curious about (and which still remain on my yet-to-see list) are Cat People (the 1982 remake) and The Unbearable Lightness of Being (which I’ve begun reading). I distinctly remember passing the latter in the video store again and again, never having the guts to attempt a covert rental. The remarkable thing – other than the early 80’s being a big era for such films – is that these are films many adults wouldn’t fully comprehend (or at least only superficially). I imagine there were a few 9 year olds in 2001 maddeningly curious about Mulholland Drive, a film I’m still not sure I get. Perhaps it’s best that I waited…

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Politics, Rants

How Prop 8 Passed

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Paul Bogan writes angrily yet eloquently about California passing Proposition 8, which bans same-sex marriages. One of his points is that Californians could not possibly have misunderstood the clear wording of the bill.

This is East Coast Thinking, which I understand because I spent more time there than here. On the east coast, when someone cuts you off on the parkway, you think, “What an asshole!” But when you get to California, everyone seems so nice. In short order, your perception of your fellow residents changes. Then, when someone cuts you off on the freeway, you think, “What an idiot!” I’ve spoken with a lot of California transplants on this exact issue and it’s pretty unanimous.

This election, I voted no on darn near every prop1, and I did this because I actually took the better part of a day to research them all. However, I think most people do research at the voting booth. They skim and make a gut reaction.

That’s why we voted for a $10B down payment on a train to San Francisco. Yes, people, it’s a down payment! It will cost way more – maybe 2-3 times that! Can’t we start with decent local public transportation first? JetBlue is already doing a fine job flying us to SF. I want a train that takes me from Huntington Beach to the Santa Monica Promenade, Hollywood and Highland, and Old Town Pasadena.2 If you insist on building a bullet train to somewhere cool, make it Las Vegas. San Fran is perhaps the coolest city in America, but it’s crazy expensive. Even with gambling and strip clubs, Vegas is downright cheap in comparison.3

Ignorance and misguided compassion is also why we voted for $980M for children’s hospitals when we just allotted $750M in 2004. Newsflash: we still have $350M of that yet to grant, under the same rules as this prop. This is akin to taking a huge cash advance on our credit card when we’re already knee deep in debt and we don’t even need the money!

I understand how Paul – who is obviously so wise in the way of (political) science – might think Californians could not possibly be dumb enough to vote incorrectly on Prop 8. However, the commercials that called for no on 8 were vague on what you were voting against. They made it clear you were voting against discrimination, but never said of what. I think a lot of people heard prop 8 was the gay marriage bill and thought, “Why, I think Gay Bill’s a swell guy. He should totally have the right to get married. Yes on 8!” OK, maybe not that bad, but just yesterday I heard a guy call into Headline news4 to say that he was not gay, and that he “really, really loves the ladies”, but he thought gays should have the right to get married. Unfortunately, the drafters of said proposition used “confusing language” and he accidentally voted yes when he meant no. Is he the exception that proves the rule? Maaaaaaybe. But I’m often reminded of a quote from the late, great George Carlin:

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

Of course, he also said:

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

  1. Yes on 11 and 12, if you must know. [↩]
  2. Yes, I realize that in 5 years, through the wonders of “gentrification”, they’ll all be the same place. Like when I discovered that San Diego’s Gaslamp District was a carbon copy of Old Town Pasadena (or vice-versa). Now, the Promenade is slowly remaking itself into the image of The Grove. SoCal is becoming one big homogenized crap factory. [↩]
  3. Probably because because SF has better, more expensive strip clubs. [↩]
  4. Why they accept phone calls now I cannot fathom. It’s not news; hell, it’s barely opinions. HLN: If you need more filler, just show your sexy female news anchors shooting coy looks at the camera, maybe biting their lip a little. On slow days, licking a lollipop or sensuously eating a banana. Ratings will skyrocket. [↩]
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Film, Rants

How To Ruin A Modern Classic

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Perhaps you’ve heard they’re remaking The Karate Kid. Whatever details you’ve gleaned so far, it gets worse.

It’s going to star Jayden Smith, Will Smith’s son who costarred with him in The Pursuit of Happyness. When filming starts next year, he’ll be 11. Yes, 11.

The other bit of ridiculousness is that much of the filming will be in Beijing, where the movie is set. Now how can you have a karate movie in China? The cultural ignorance is staggering. At the very least they should call it The Kung Fu Kid.

This is just another in a long line of Karate Kid ripoffs, like Showdown (starring Billy Blanks) and the recent Never Back Down. In fact, both of those movies are way closer in plot than the new remake. Seriously, who wants to see 11 year olds beat the shit out of each other? I got enough of that in 5th grade.

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Rants

Public Service Announcements

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Ladies: If you are a woman over 30, and you want to dye your hair red, it is time to switch to shades that are actually known to sprout forth from human scalps. If you are considering colors found on fire engines and lipstick worn by street walkers, keep looking. Or perhaps you’re thinking that the guy who sings for Maroon 5 is hot, and he’d really go for you if you dyed your hair maroon. He will not. I don’t know what magazine is telling you that maroon or any weird shade of dark red found on mid-size family sedans is going to make you look good, but it’s wrong. And your kids are embarrassed, and your husband doesn’t like it, even though he says he does. He just doesn’t want you to get depressed and gain [any more] weight.

The solution is simple. Just go to Vidal Sassoon and ask them to pick any shade of red ever found on Nicole Kidman, Amy Adams, Isla Fisher, Laura Prepon, Alyson Hannigan, or even Lindsay Lohan. I know, you don’t like Lindsay, but I bet she’d have a much easier time getting that Maroon 5 dude, and it’s not because she’s famous and young, it’s because… wait, no, that’s it. And also because she is, at the moment, a lesbian.

Note that if you are under 30, and cute, and listen to cool music, you should dye your hair some unnatural shade of red, or purple, or perhaps hot pink. I will love you for this.

Men: If you are on your crotch rocket, and your lady is on the bitch seat, perhaps now is not the time to split lanes at red lights. You are too concerned she’s going to fall off if you accelerate too fast (which is probably a valid concern), so you accelerate slowly. But the the unspoken rule of red light motorcycle lane splitting is that you gun it as soon as the light changes so that I, in my little WRX, have no chance of hitting you when I gun it. I should not be scaring the bejesus out of you when I floor it, and I find that lately I am doing just that. So stop splitting lanes.

I know you’re not going to boot your lady and drive like a man because my second bitch seat observation (and I’ve seen this multiple times now) is that when she’s all hunched over, her jeans ride down real low, like 3 inches of ass crack low. Which means she considers the bitch seat a panties-optional environment. So… bravo, man. Bravo. And thank your lady for me.

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Food

Single Guy Chef: Barbecue Tri-tip Roast

Since there was a request for the BBQ version of the tri-tip oven roast, here it is. (It might help you to read that recipe first.)

First, prepare the BBQ rub. I like this Carolina BBQ rub that I originally made for pulled pork. I found it works well on beef, too. The only change I made was using pure ancho chile powder instead of your garden variety chili powder. This was suggested by a couple chefs and I think it turned out well, but if you already have the regular stuff then use it. You are nothing if not practical. And lazy.

Trim the roast, and then sprinkle on the rub liberally and rub it in. Let it marry in the fridge overnight. Don’t worry, this is an acceptable union under the current law; it’s not like a man marrying a box turtle. Take the roast out half an hour before grilling so it comes to room temp.

For cooking times, follow the recommendations in your manual, esp. if it’s a Weber. My Weber manual was quite accurate, definitely more than the one for my Viking range. Like all roasts, it will be medium indirect, and it will benefit from smoke. Try mesquite. Avoid tobacco. And don’t flip it while grilling.

One problem I had while taking its temperature is that heat from the grill messed with my digital thermometer. I had to remove it from the grill while checking the temp. Of course, use a meat thermometer, not an oral or rectal one. In fact, if using either of those is even possible, your butcher has executed an elaborate ruse at your expense. Always remember: a tri-tip roast has neither a mouth nor an anus. Words to live by.

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Food

Single Guy Chef: Tri-tip Burritos

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I saw that tri-tip is about $2/lb. so I thought I’d try my hand at that. Turns out it’s very easy. I’d made it on the grill before and the oven is about the same, minus the good smokey flavor and slightly easier cleanup.

First, get a 3-4 lb. tri-tip roast. Remove the fat. If you’re lazy or short on time you can buy pre-trimmed roasts, but at double the price. $4 a pound??? We’re not Trump here. Once again, the fat removed was about the size of my fist.

Next, preheat the oven to 325. My oven has Bake and Convection Bake settings, but you preheat a lot faster if you start with Bake.

While the oven is preheating you season the meat, which is ridiculously easy. Get yourself some Old World Steak seasoning, which is made by Fire Roasted Creations. OK, it’s not always easy to find. I got mine at Barbeques Galore and you can order it online here. Yes, it’s definitely worth the effort of tracking it down. If you absolutely don’t have time to obtain it, you can substitute McCormick’s Montreal Steak seasoning. It’s more peppery and the flavor is less complex, but it will do in a pinch. Just sprinkle it over the meat, then tap it in with the back of the tongs or a metal spoon. Flip it and repeat. Do this about 10 minutes before baking.

Place the roast on that broiler pan that came with your oven. It might be in that drawer underneath that you never knew existed. You can use a roasting pan, but only if you’re NOT convection baking. Convection baking, which cooks food faster and seals in juices better, requires a very shallow pan so the air can circulate better.

Since this is a roast, you’re shooting for medium, or 145F. Since roasts continue to cook after you’ve removed the heat, you stop when your meat thermometer reads about 140F. To obtain this ideal temperature, put the roast in the oven and set the timer to some random number. I say this because my Viking manual says a 3-4 lb. roast should be done in 30 minutes on convection bake or 35 minutes on bake, and that wasn’t even close. After 30 minutes it read 121F, or mooooo. Another 10 minutes brought it to 131, and another 15 after that brought it to 150. This is at the thickest part of the roast, so it was between medium and medium well, which is a little more done than I’d like it, but good enough.

OK, so the timer should be set for 40 minutes if convection baking and 50 for normal baking, assuming you’re using my oven.

When the desired temperature is reached let the roast sit for 20 minutes. Again, the temperature continues to rise 5-10 degrees while the juices move from the center outward, resulting in more uniformly juicy slices. Slice it thin.

Since meat alone isn’t very filling, I made simple burritos with Spanish rice. All you need to pick up is a box of Zatarains Spanish Rice mix, a 14.5oz can of crushed tomatoes, and some “I Can’t Believe This Shit Ain’t Butter!” or any butter-like substance that isn’t found in your bathroom. Follow the directions on the box – it’s dead simple.

Pick up a pack of Guerrero-brand burrito tortillas or whatever your local tortilleria sells. Before filling, preheat a large skillet to medium, then heat one side for 15 seconds and the other for 10. Fill with the rice and meat and roll like the Mexican ladies at Chipotle. If the meat is on the dry side (or even if it isn’t), you can add sour cream and/or shredded cheese.

Once again, you’ve got dinner for the week! Just remember that the tortillas have to be refrigerated, too.

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