I was reading Fashion tips for women from a guy
who knows dick about fashion (NSFW), which is quite funny and true and cruel and still relevant, sadly. He attacks Crocs and “tittie curtains” and various other fashion trends, a few of which are (thankfully) rarely seen today (it was written in ’07). I thought I’d add to his work of scholarship.

First, I will echo his plea that women with low self esteem shouldn’t read this. Heck, any woman who knows me shouldn’t read this. But if you’ve got low self esteem, close your browser and go spend some quality time with someone who loves you for you. Really.

I’ll admit that I, too, know dick about fashion. Well, I saw season one of Queer Eye, but I still wear 2 year old sneakers that are found almost exclusively on men twice my age, simply because I’m too lazy to buy new ones. And I’m fat, so really, no clothes look good on me. I know am throwing stones in my glass house. But that said, I do know what looks hot on a girl and what doesn’t.

School Girl Uniforms (and anything that tries to look like them)
The reason why school girl outfits are so hot is because they are worn by a demographic that, by and large, I am not allowed to fuck. Or even make out and dry hump. Maybe it’s Johnny Law stopping me, maybe it’s just the fact that I’m old and fat, but either way they’re forbidden fruit. If you look like you might be a high school senior, and you are hot, by all means wear them. You don’t have to be 17 or 18; the cast of 90210 is proof of that. But if you could never be confused for an actual school girl, then a school girl uniform – or any item of clothing inspired by one – looks like a sad attempt to hold onto your youth. Perhaps you think it will be a fun way to role play in the bedroom and get your husband excited about sex. You want to know what will get your husband excited?

1. Big, sloppy blow jobs.
2. Anal sex.
3. Staying in shape.

That’s all you need to do. Role playing is what couples do when the woman won’t do the above.¹

If you are hot and you don’t look like you belong in high school (or even if you do), there is something you can wear that will make you look sexy: low rise jeans. I don’t care whether they’re “in” or “out”, low rise jeans on even a moderately attractive girl are sexy as hell. They add about 2 points to your hotness scale. Why? It looks like your pants are sliding off! How great is that? It’s like those bikini or lingerie shots where the model has her thumbs in the panties like she’s in the process of removing them. Only low rise jeans require no thumbs. They look like that all the time. And they tell the world one of two things: “I am wearing a thong,” or “I am not wearing panties.”² Either way, that is a pretty spectacular thing to tell the world.

Gigantic Sunglasses
Gigantic sunglasses were popularized, as far as I can tell, by the Olsen Twins. While the twins are pretty hot, the sunglasses make you look like a 6 year old girl wearing giant novelty sunglasses. This is not a look that anyone outside of a pedophile would find attractive. Creepy, handsy Uncle Mustache thinks they look great, though. So keep that up. Fortunately, I think these are mostly gone.

Short hair
If you are slender or petite or just plain hot, short hair is fine. Maybe it’s better than fine, maybe it’s hot or punky or alternative. It looks all those things on Shannyn Sossamon. Natalie Portman makes it look elegant. But if you’re a big girl (like, genuinely large), it ain’t so fine. It just makes your head look smaller in comparison to your body and invites comparisons to, well, a tick. A giant, human sized lady-tick. If you want to attract that small segment of the population who are chubby chasers, grow out your hair. They can use it as reigns when they take you from behind, which is kinda fun.³

Well, that’s all I got for now. Hopefully I’ll see a lot more hot girls in low rise jeans because of this.

1. And your husband might not even be into anal, but he sure as hell wants to discover his preference first hand. [↩]
2. This accounts for at least one of the two bonus hotness points. [↩]
3. A good song to play while doing this is Pony by Ginuine. You may remember this from strip clubs in the ’90s, as the Clinton administration crafted a law requiring DJs to play it at least once every two hours. [↩]