Ladies: If you are a woman over 30, and you want to dye your hair red, it is time to switch to shades that are actually known to sprout forth from human scalps. If you are considering colors found on fire engines and lipstick worn by street walkers, keep looking. Or perhaps you’re thinking that the guy who sings for Maroon 5 is hot, and he’d really go for you if you dyed your hair maroon. He will not. I don’t know what magazine is telling you that maroon or any weird shade of dark red found on mid-size family sedans is going to make you look good, but it’s wrong. And your kids are embarrassed, and your husband doesn’t like it, even though he says he does. He just doesn’t want you to get depressed and gain [any more] weight.
The solution is simple. Just go to Vidal Sassoon and ask them to pick any shade of red ever found on Nicole Kidman, Amy Adams, Isla Fisher, Laura Prepon, Alyson Hannigan, or even Lindsay Lohan. I know, you don’t like Lindsay, but I bet she’d have a much easier time getting that Maroon 5 dude, and it’s not because she’s famous and young, it’s because… wait, no, that’s it. And also because she is, at the moment, a lesbian.
Note that if you are under 30, and cute, and listen to cool music, you should dye your hair some unnatural shade of red, or purple, or perhaps hot pink. I will love you for this.
Men: If you are on your crotch rocket, and your lady is on the bitch seat, perhaps now is not the time to split lanes at red lights. You are too concerned she’s going to fall off if you accelerate too fast (which is probably a valid concern), so you accelerate slowly. But the the unspoken rule of red light motorcycle lane splitting is that you gun it as soon as the light changes so that I, in my little WRX, have no chance of hitting you when I gun it. I should not be scaring the bejesus out of you when I floor it, and I find that lately I am doing just that. So stop splitting lanes.
I know you’re not going to boot your lady and drive like a man because my second bitch seat observation (and I’ve seen this multiple times now) is that when she’s all hunched over, her jeans ride down real low, like 3 inches of ass crack low. Which means she considers the bitch seat a panties-optional environment. So… bravo, man. Bravo. And thank your lady for me.
Thank you for your PSA. You are doing the world a great service. I totally agree with the lane splitting thing. As a douche bag on my crotch rocket, I will not get in your way or give you the chance to hit me when you gun it from the light. I know people are already mad and/or jealous that I zip past them in traffic, but are never mad enough to ride a bike themselves. So to all of you timid lane splitters out there, take heed from the PSA and don’t make people mad at you and bikers in general. Learn to launch your bike properly before you start splitting those lanes, especially with 2-up.
Oh, and feel free to check out my girl’s butt crack, anytime, seriously, even when she’s not riding bitch.