Oh man, oh man. Did someone make a BIG mistake or what? Huh? Somehow I mistakingly got copied onto an email inviting me to participate in an exchange of knowledge. Opinions? Ideas? You actually WANT this from me? Let’s just call this a “probationary period” that way you can change your mind later, without hurting my feelings.
My posts will no doubt fill one of two categories:
1) The Old-Man whining about how things were better in the previous generations.
and
2) The humiliating stories from my life that I am only now mature enough to share.
First up.
ZBalance Rant #1
The year is 2005.
A man, let’s call him Future-Man, finds himself in the possession of a time portal. With this device, he travels the folds of decades back to the 1900s and shows off all that the ‘future’ will hold. Unfortunately, his trips don’t lead to the self-glorification he had hoped…
Trip log 278 – Automobiles – 10/2/1952
KRRRRZAP! Future-man walked through the portal and shook off the expected headache that usually accompanies him when taking the journey. As his eyes adjust, he spots a man polishing his hot rod. Future-Man recognized him as ’50’s-Guy’ and his last few attempts to impress him didn’t go quite as planned.
50’s-Guy, not at all surprised by Future-Man’s sudden appearance, said “How’s it going?”
“Pretty good.” Future-Man replied. “I thought I’d share with you some more of the future’s glory.”
“Glory?” 50’s-Guy threw in, “You want to talk glory huh? Check out my 1933 Buick! Thats a V-8 your lookin’ at right there.”
Future-Man had to admit, the polished and completely exposed engine sure wasn’t something he was used to seeing outside of the NHRA circuit.
Future-Man scoffed, “This thing’s legal?”
50’s-Guy raised a brow, “I didn’t steal it if that’s what yer gettin’ at.”
“No! No!” Future-Man was quick to point out, “I meant, is it street-legal? You know… inspectible!”
Sir, your welcome to inspect this beauty all you like. She’s as much for looking-at as she is for drivin’.” 50’s-Guy then leaned against the back tire.
Future-Man explained while pacing, “In the future, the state government sets standards that all vehicles must pass in order to drive on a public street. Environmental and safety concerns are all taken into account before a you are allowed to operate the vehicle off your property.”
50’s-Guy crossed his arms, “Look here. My hard earned money, not to mention sweat, went into this beauty. I’m not for lettin’ some suit tell me I can’t drive it.”
Future-Man sighed as he looked at the car. The sidewall exhaust pipes had no mufflers (or catalytic converters) of any kind. The oversized back tires made the front tires look like bike wheels. He’d have an easier time pointing out what would pass inspection on this beast. Though, he had to admit, it would be fun to drive.
50’s-Guy noticed that he may have hurt Future-Man’s feelings, “Well hey, I’m sure those regulations of yours don’t bother you guys as much. You got the new millenium! Flying cars and moving sidewalks, to get you where you want, right?”
Future-Man clenched his teeth before relaxing just a bit when a thought came to him. Hybrids!
“We have Hybrids in 2005! These are autos that can run on gas and electricity!”
50’s-Guy was genuinely impressed. “Well these Hi-Braids do sound powerful, but do they roar like this?” He jumped over the Buick’s door and cranked the engine for a moment. His pride swelled as Future-Mans teeth rattled.
When 50’s-Guy finished, Future-Man continued, “Well they aren’t really meant for power… they are designed to be more efficient. They use far less gas and…”
50’s-Guy interrupted, “GAS? Who cares about gas? It’s the tires that cost me. Do they get any cheaper in the future?”
“No, not really. Gas prices however, have practically tripled in just a single year.”
“So who’s raisin’ the prices? Just go punch ’em in the nose. Trust me, the prices will settle on down after that.” 50’s-Guy offered.
Again Future-Man was at a loss. “Many members of OPEC are Islamic and our punch-’em-in-the-nose tactics haven’t panned out so well of late…”
Thouroughly confused, 50’s-Guy, asked “You mean those Japs? How’d they end up gettin’ all the gas after what we did to them?”
Suddenly Future-Man’s timer beeps off reminding him that the portal will soon close. There was no time to finish explaining.
Watching Future-Man wave goodbye and head towards the portal, 50’s-Guy added, “Thanks again friend, but the future sounds like somewhere I ain’t need to see anytime soon!”
Future-Man walked back through the portal. Defeated again.
I get what you’re saying, 50’s-Guy was blissfully ignorant of things like “peak oil”, and the effects of air pollution. Future-Man could also point out that the current versions of the Mustang, GTO, and Challenger (ok, these are 60’s cars) are faster, safer, cleaner, and more fuel-efficient than their originals, catalytic converters and all. And the Corvette is a magnificent beast.
We are missing the flying cars, though. Of course, I’d hate to think how fat I’d be if we got those moving sidewalks.
There is absolutely no question that cars are better off now then they were years ago. My beef is with the government’s controlling-factor which has seemed to rise a barely-noticable little bit every year. Case in point: This summer, with all the storms, the beaches were packed with wave-chasers such as myself. Unfortunatly, unless you OWN your own beach, the local police forbid you from entering the water (for your own safety) despite the fact that there are lifeguards on duty. This was the case for the ENTIRE Jersey coastline. Gee it would sure suck if those lifeguards had to get off that chair and do what they are PAID to do, wouldn’t it? Let’s also throw in the fact that just about every country in the Pacific deals with waves and currents LARGER than this, without restriction, on a regular basis. Land of the FREE, home of the BRAVE. This must only apply when sending troops overseas…
I have many more points to share, but I will save them for future episodes of… FUTURE-MAN!